Cougar On The Prowl

The cougar is a concealment and ambush hunter. A good cougar stalks their prey and then circles in for the kill. Okay ladies, kill is a metaphor. For us lazy hunters, the ambush method of hunting uses less energy and has a greater chance of success.

The best place for hunting our prey is senior centers and retirement communities. Yes, you heard me right. Senior centers. The men are old, hearing impaired and can’t run very fast. C’mon, even I can out run them while they’re dragging along their oxygen tanks. I know. I know. Cougar’s prey are supposed to be young bucks. Too much work, girls. Old geezers are much easier to handle.

Men are horny. Old men are even hornier. Suck it up ladies and ignore the yellowing, mottled skin, scrawny bodies and talon like toenails. We cougars are not faint of heart. No, we are hunters. Hear us roar. So just trowel on the makeup. Old, remember? Can’t see very well? A good underwire bra combined with a sexy low cut blouse and bada-bing, bada-boom, your prey is hooked. You reel him in and net yourself a trip to Hawaii or an Alaskan cruise. And for God’s sake, don’t forget the Viagra and ear plugs. Yes, ladies, I said ear plugs. That Darth Vader like wheezing does tend to get on your nerves.

Another great location for hunting is pool side at the community centers. First you look for the gentleman with the dead critter perched on his head. That hair piece shows he’s vain and on the prowl. Next you check to see if he’s wearing enough gold chains to sink a battle ship. Remember, gold equals money. Money equals the perfect prey. Okay, sometimes not so perfect. His itty-bitty Speedo leaves nothing to the imagination and exposes his shortcoming to the entire world. But not to worry, a little Viagra will fix that problem. Unfortunately, the little blue pill won’t fix his sagging, wrinkled paunch or the fact that his body hair would rival a gorilla’s. But, downing a couple of Vicodins or a dozen Martinis will solve this problem. Remember, a successful hunter travels the world, first class. A bad hunter gets a quick trip to Vegas and the all-you-can-eat buffet.


I was a 9-1-1 dispatcher for the Glendale Police Department and to keep from going totally bonkers – I mean people have no idea of what a real emergency is. Take this for an example: I answered, “9-1-1 emergency, what’s your emergency?” And this hysterical woman yelled, “My bird is in a tree.” Sometimes I really couldn’t help myself, so I said, “Birds have a tendency to do that, ma’am.” The woman screeched, “No! You don’t understand. My pet parakeet is in the tree. I’ve just got to get him down.” Like I said, not a clue. “I’m sorry ma’am, but we don’t get birds out of trees.” The woman then cried, “But… What about my husband? He’s up there, too.” See what I had to deal with? To keep from hitting myself repeatedly in the head with my phone, I took up writing.

My book JUST MY LUCK is available at http://www.whispershome.com/